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[01 Oct 2004|10:08pm] |
Men are pigs.
I just got back from a week at centre parcs, it was for our biology coursework, and it was sooooo boring. Except the guy I really like was there...so you'd think I'd be thrilled at the prospect of a week with my dream guy? I was. *Deep breath* There were 8 girls in my chalet, all from one school and my school. The other chalet had all the boys (they're all from my school too) and the last one had 5 girls from another school in.
Monday: We arrived, (I'm not going to say his name, I'll call him S) anyway S was being fairly nice as he always is; he asks me how I am and stuff. In the evening after all the work is done some of the boys come over to our chalet, S asks me to go swimming and a whole bunch of us go. I'm wearing my pretty damned slutty black bikini by the way, and no offence to the other girls but I'm kinda way skinnier than them so all eyes were on me. I spent the evening with S. ^.^
Tuesday: He hangs around with me during the boring biology work, we talk laugh, and I tell him about my cutting addiction. He doesn't particuarly like it, but he totally understands. In the evening we once again go swimming, except more people go, we ALL go on the really fast rapids and someone comes up with the (fantastic!) idea that we try to all hold hands and go down together. Guess who I was holding hands with! ^.~ BUT...
Tuesday evening: One of the girls and I decide to go to the boys chalet as we need a key for our chalet (don't ask), we knock and enter cos the lights are on...the guys are lounging on the sofas and S is cuddled up with one of the girls from the other school. ??? <- me When the hell that happened I don't know. S got up and offered to walk me back as the other girl was going to stay for a while longer, I just smiled and said no and ran out. I went back to my room, grabbed the scissors and made pretty patterns on my wrists while I cried my eyes out. But the damned scissors were blunt, I was hacking away at my arms and only got little cuts. I didn't get much sleep that night.
Wednesday: S spent more time during the boring biology work with the other girl, he kept asking me if I was alright and I just kept smiling and nodding even though I wanted to die right there. I didn't eat anything that day. Just when I think about what a bastard he is...
Wednesday evening: S takes me and his friend out bowling; his treat. Work that one out. We had a great time (I kicked their butts!)
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[14 Sep 2004|04:16pm] |
I am officially dead.
How cool would it be to be able to say that? It'd be quite a conversational piece.
As you can probably tell I have nothing interesting to say, but I want to type so I shall type. It's theraputic.
I heard Marilyn Mansons new song the other day; Personal Jesus....holy shit that rocked! And he had holes in his wrists/hands for the video; I SO want to be crucified! If Manson does it, why can't I? I read in his book that when he was on-stage someone from the audience threw a glass bottle at him, so he smashed it and cut all over his body! How cool is that??? Manson is my God.
I am stupid, I told myself that I would stop cutting, but once again now that I've started I can't stop. My arms are pretty once again. I'm bored of life, the universe and everything. I've even gotten bored of writing fanfictions. I realised that I have no friends, everybody sucks...well maybe one on-line friend, someone who is also obsessed with YGO! I met her right from when I started writing and she's been a really great friend.
What I want to say is; I am quitting writing, fuck you all and rot in hell.
What I am saying: expect the next chapter of love on ice any day now.
I can't quit, it's the only thing I live for. One second I'm laughing the next I'm crying, it's so confusing and I just want to die, but I'll settle for the self-mutilation for now.
So, screw you later.
-Dagger/Sarah/whatever the fuck you wanna call me....may I suggest bitch?
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[23 Aug 2004|12:00pm] |
*Is pissed off* Where the hell is my YGO soundtrack? Amazon said it would be here today...
I've got about 10 new stories and chapters written up already, but I can't be bothered to post them yet. ^^;; Sorry...they aren't fully edited. I have no beta reader so it's just me reading through my work over and over again. I get bored.
Also I'm working on my own anime series, I've goten quite a way into it already. I just need to start writing some stuff up. I've designed the characters and thought up a plot. Some of the stuff I originally planned for it don't really fit in, so I'm already thinking af another anime that would work. O__O
~Dagger
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[17 Aug 2004|08:31pm] |
I promised myself I wouldn't get nervous about my exam results...I'm not. Really I'm not. I hope I do alright...a pass would be nice, a decent pass would be even better...a fail would end with my suicide.
Better hope I don't fail then; I have a driving lesson in the afternoon and then I'm going to see Yugioh; the movie after that. I'm thinking that it'll be kinda hard to enjoy the movie as a corpse.
My Gundam Wing Manga came today, finally I can read episode zero; I had a quick look and chibi Duo is so cute! And my Shaman King DVD's came. I want Bubblegum Crash next; I have Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040, but I want the original series. That was until I saw how much is costs...heh, 2040 is cool though. And I want the new Evangelion DVD's; Resurrection and...er...the other one. They're revamps of the last few episode which I have, but I'm a rabid fangirl who absolutely loves Eva. Shinji's voice actor is Mackey in Bubblegum Crisis!
Also I squished my finger, the blood was nice. I feel sick though that could be because I haven't been eating much. Probably is. I keep forgetting...not my fault...
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| I have no value |
[03 Aug 2004|11:49am] |
I want Kingdom Hospital, that gothic guy was just too cute for me to not buy it on DVD.
I also need a new blade, mine is pretty shitty right now. I prefer scissors but mine have wandered off somewhere and I can't find them...
What else has happened to me? I'm going to go on a Japanese language course, so hopefully I'll be able to understand some of the words on my Japanese anime and manga. I'm also going on a sign language one. This is outside of school. Also I have to study for my driving theory exam, so not much time for writing.
Fucking hell, it's the school holidays and all I can think about is going back to school. I am such a pathetic doll.
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[02 Aug 2004|08:02pm] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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Kingdom Hospital rocks; Stephen King is such a great writer, although the series was heavily based on 'Kingdom' by a previous writer...very gothic and very bloody with some dark twisted humour and damn sexy bad guys. Why are the bad guys always the sexiest? I can't remember his name buy the teen boy was so fit. But the slight drawback was he was dead...we could make it work...
Anyway now I'm bored. I have been writing stuff, and I'm designing a manga/anime of my own. It'll probably suck, but what're you gonna do? I'm going to design a website for it so I'm playing around with fonts and backgrounds to make it look gothic and supernatural. Also need to brush up on my wiccan skills.
I haven't spoken to anyone in a while. Meh. Shit happens.
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[27 Jul 2004|08:42pm] |
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The tattoo looks pretty...
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[27 Jul 2004|07:36pm] |
I am going to tattoo myself; okay a crappy cut using a compass. I'm just going to write something on my arm, not sure what yet. Probably 'I am nothing' since it's my favourite phrase. Maybe something else.
Anyway, I'm 'enjoying' the summer holidays. Not. I'm just sitting at home, doing some biology work so that I'll be ahead of everyone else. Not fun but I don't care. I don't need fun, I am void of emotion. I have to work on being less pathetic and to stop crying all the fucking time.
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[24 Jul 2004|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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It looks like I'm going away to university...the one in Norwich wants really high grades that I just probably aren't going to get. I don't actually mind though, the only problem being that I would want to live on my own, not with others. I like quiet, I like strange music and I just don't think it's likely a room mate will enjoy Murderdolls, Frankenstein Drag Queens, Lacuna Coil, Nightwish or Marilyn Manson. They might, but it's doubtful.
Therefore I have decided to either get rich (and since I didn't win the lottery tonight that's not looking too hopeful) or work harder. *Grabs textbook*
And now my mother thinks I'm anorexic. Damn her, at least she didn't see my scars on my wrists...I don't know what to do anymore, I feel lost, and scared. I don't care what people think of me anymore, screw them all, I'll show them all. I just have to stop crying...
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| I have no other value |
[14 Jul 2004|09:59am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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I have just finished watching the Evangelion series...what can I say? It's fantastic. It really looks into the human mind (with lots of bloody fight scenes) and gives some good advice. Like being worthless; I'm sure I'm that. I have no values, I am simply a doll that people can use as they will, to taunt or command knowing that I'll do whatever they want. I hate me.
I am nothing.
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[11 Jul 2004|12:56pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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Rasmus - guilty |
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I've had a very...interesting week. I had work experience, and I chose to go work at a science laboratory, I got to play with some cool dangerous chemicals. Fun! I'm a science freak, don't worry.
But there are some very annoying security guards there, at the start of thw week I had to have my photo taken, everyone did. But then on Tuesday they took another one. And on Thursday a perverted guard told me that he was sure he could get an even better picture of me and took another, and then winked at me with constantly staring at my breasts. Bloody pervert.
Rant over.
I also had a nervous breakdown over a truly indestructable spider. I 'killed' it and it turned up again. My mother definitely 'killed' it, and again it came back (minus a leg). Then mu mother squished it, we heard it crack it must have died we thought so she opened up the tissue and it fucking crawled out and jumped onto the floor! So she jumped on it and treaded it into the carpet, spreading it out. It's dead now. We think. I really hate spiders...
~Dagger
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| I am neither false nor fake. I am simply me. |
[04 Jul 2004|06:12pm] |
You're Ayanami Rei! Being a soul trapped inside a
shell in this universe, you're mostly a person
who has to do what she has to do: what she can.
You don't express your feelings very well, but
when they do come out, they come out in bursts
and such. You're out there in your little group
to change the destiny of the world. Who cares
if you were created by someone from another
person's DNA? You live as that person and end
as that person; it's that simple.
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Which Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I am Ayanami Rei, cool, she's my favourite eva character.
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[02 Jul 2004|08:26pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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music |
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Flying away - Heero Yuy (Gundam Wing image song) |
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In regards to the last entry and any others where I say I have no 'friends': while this may be true for the place I live in, this does not include e-mail, ff.net or live journal friends. The people I have met over the internet have been so kind, and nice, I truly don't deserve you. I do consider you my friends, of course I do. Thank you for understanding, and just being there.
I have decided that I am glad for whatever changes occur to me; I am just meant to be quiet, I suppose. That is who I am. Someone once asked me how I was able to just sit there, in the bus for an hour each way on the school trip in complete silence just staring out of the window. I didn't know I had, I just get lost in my thoughts I guess...
Anyway, I had a pretty crappy (and very long) day, and I'm more than willing to just read for a while and then go to bed. I'm so sleepy.
Haven't recieved Evangelion DVD's yet...though I am willing to wait a little longer considering I ordered them late last night.
~Dagger
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[01 Jul 2004|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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Hikari - KH ost |
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I'm trying to work out how much I've changed. I look back at the first time I joined ff.net, and now...I think that I've grown up quite a lot. True it's only been a short amount of time but still, I feel somewhat...maturer? Is that a word? I just feel differently about everything. I like to think that I've grown up, but sometimes I still feel like a child; though I've never really had that much of a childhood, so I don't know what it is supposed to be like.
Am I confusing anyone? Because I'm confused.
I like to think I've changed for the better, but I really don't know. Now that J (I won't use her name) has left school, she was the last person I knew that I could talk to. I didn't like her, but that didn't matter right? Now there are only the other group of people; I have transfered schools, and they treat me nicely, they will speak to me sometimes, but they have known each other through high school; they are all really close and I feel like an outsider. Which I am, I suppose. And it's like I'm intruding.
There is no one now. I am truly alone. And I'm scared. I have no one to talk to, my friend who knew all about my cutting, hell she's the one who got me started, left ages ago so I have no one on that subject matter. I have no one.
I've never really wanted friends, they always took the piss out of me because I would spend my time studying or reading. Why am I so different to everyone else?
I've always wondered what it would be like to have a group of real friends, but I know I'd just screw it all up somehow. I guess I'm just meant to be un-befriended. I like being alone, but just once in a while it would be nice to know what it's like.
Anyway, I don't know what brought this up. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I need to go start studying anyway, I just got my maths and biology text books. They look quite fun, I can't wait to read the genetics section.
And I just ordered the Evangelion DVD box set. This is a reminder for me, so that I know when to expect it.
~Dagger
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[25 Jun 2004|10:31am] |
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Just want to say sorry to everyone I review/talk to in LJ/or people who read my stories -- at the moment it is very hard for me to write anything (this is taking forever to write) I've broken my hand so I'm one-handed at the moment, really sorry but I will not be writing for a while and probably not reviewing much either. Exceptions include chapters I have written but just need editing.
~Dagger
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[24 Jun 2004|08:54am] |
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I want to sleep...
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[23 Jun 2004|07:39pm] |
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mood |
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scared |
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I have had a pretty weird day; I've felt -something- I don't know what...just felt kinda sick, not really able to eat anything and kinda scared. I don't know why; I know I usually get like this when I'm stressed or when something bad's about to happen. (Foreboding...maybe I'm psychic? Or psychotic...)
And then my mum came home from work, and told me one of her best friends had just died. I knew she had cancer, but...I don't know. I still feel sick and all weird and shivery.
I really need to cut. I'm not just saying it I want to. I just want to slash at my wrist till I'm scratching the bone. I wanna scream, I wanna cut. But I can't, it's summer and it'll be kinda obvious if I have slashed up wrists.
I just want to know what's wrong, I still feel sick so something must be wrong, I just don't know what.
Anyway, I finally managed to write something. The first chapter of a Gundam Wing fic, I will finish it later but I don't feel like writing anything happy right now.
I also have a new avatar, I really liked it and preferred it to my Yuna one.
~Dagger
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| Fine |
[21 Jun 2004|04:26pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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Simple and Clean - KH ost |
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Okay...*checks calender* it is 21st June, summer right? So why is it hailing??? Really big chunks of ice are falling, but this morning I was really hot as it was sunny. And we had a mini thunderstorm earlier with really loud thunder and cool lightning...what is up with the weather??? I'm cold...
England vs Croatia tonight! YEAH! I'm going to have a Pil's (Holstein Pils - A very nice larger) and watch the football (or soccer, if you're in America - I think that's what you call it. ^^; ) We will win -- I hope...
I finally got around to starting Kingdom Hearts -- very cool game, met Tidus kicked his ass, Met Wakka, kicked his ass, Met Selphie, kicked her ass, founght all 3 of them together...they kicked my ass. Repeatedly. But I will not be dettered...I will beat them. And Riku.
I downloaded the 'Simple and clean' mp3 from Kingdom Hearts and it's fantastic, I really love it. Gotta go.
~Dagger
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| eBay solves all problems |
[13 Jun 2004|08:12pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Nightwish - Nemo |
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I just saw Harry Potter 3, it was quite good actually, though I still prefer the books as I like the in-depth description that only text can provide. Same with LoTR, though I like the screenplays for the visual effects (and the gorgeous guys ^__~) I just enjoy reading. Though the movies are fantastic for when you want to wind down late at night or are just too damned lazy.
I also bought a new CD, Nightwish...think the title is 'Only'...currently listening to the track 'Nemo'. (Not the little orange fish.)
I am revising for my physics exam tomorrow, wish me luck (I need it) actually I need a miracle. A nice person on eBay will sell me one for £300, maybe I should go for it?
Wow, from the noise that just erupted from the living room, and both next door neighbours I think England just scored. We're playing France at Football at the moment - Euro 2004 is here! I'm going to go watch and have some Carling. Best thing to do on the eve of an exam - get absulutely fucking pissed!
Leaving now.
~Me
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| Exam tips |
[11 Jun 2004|09:25pm] |
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 accomplished |
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Nightwish - Everdream |
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To successfully complete an exam, you should follow these steps:
o Remember to bring with you only one pen, which as soon as you try to write with stops working.
o Remember to bring a pencil for graphs. Do not under any circumstances bring an eraser, in case you make a mistake.
o Make sure that your calculator screen is covered with water, so that you think it won't work and subsequently have a nervous breakdown upon trying to use it.
o Wear annoying shoes, so that when you sit down your feet hurt like hell. This will also serve to distract you while trying to work.
o Make sure to look at the wrong time, and assume that you have ten minutes longer than you do have so that there is no time left for the last question. Then realize that the extra ten minutes applies to the people sitting the other exam who just so happen to share the same hall as you.
o Finally remember to burst into tears upon completion of the exam.
Yes, I have taken 5 exams now, and amoungst all of them I have followed these steps. Though to my credibility the crying was somewhat subdued and I don't think anyone noticed. (I hope.)
On a lighter note I have finally uploaded something on ff.net, a (very) short one-shot entitled 'Ribbon' - 'tis a CloudxAeris piece, and my first attempt at a FF7 fic. Please give me some feedback.
I also have in line a trilogy of Vincent centric fics, one-shots each of them. They have not yet been started but I am drawing up ideas and structure for them.
That's everything I think.
~Dagger
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